In light of recent events, it only seems appropriate to share something personal with you that I believe will help someone else out there. When the #metoo movement first became popular I did not view it the same as most. I did not want to share my story because I felt that the premise kept me secluded as a victim instead of allowing me to rise.
I spent many years feeling extremely uncomfortable in my own skin only to realize I was actually being given a chance to start over. I don’t have your standard “story” so naturally I was afraid to say anything. Especially, after being told that I was not allowed to because my experience was not classified as rape or sexual assault.
So, here it goes: I was at home, watching TV, on the couch with my boyfriend. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary and we were laughing at a comedy. It looked like a normal day and a storybook romance from the outside. Then, that evening something changed. I can’t remember what was on TV. I don’t remember the words spoken. I don’t even remember my feelings as it happened so fast, but plays in my mind in slow motion.
That night, someone that I trusted and I loved raped me. Of course intimate behavior was at play, but everyone was clothed and nothing more than kissing was taking place. He kept lifting up my nightgown and I would pull it back down. I was not flirting. I was using my actions to say no. After about the fifth time of pulling up my gown I finally said out loud, “No!” I said no three times after that!
The last time I was crying because at that point not only was my gown pulled up but someone was pulling down their pants and climbing on top of me. I knew what was going to happen and despite being scared, tears in my eyes and saying NO I was violated. Sometimes I look back on the event and I feel like it would have been easier to deal with if it had been a stranger. Knowing that I had to continue on with someone who didn’t think anything was wrong with what had just happened made me sick to my stomach.
We did not break up right away because I didn’t know how to feel, what to do, or how to react. I became distant and angry and after some time it made it impossible to carry on in the relationship. However, the thing that really pushed me over the edge was the response I received when I decided to tell someone.
I went to one of my very good friends who was a male. After telling him my story his response sent pure shame and anger through me. He gave the response that TOO MANY women get when dealing with rape inside a relationship or marriage. “Well, he is your boyfriend. You kind of owe him so I’m not sure that you can call that rape.” I WILL NEVER FORGET THESE WORDS AS LONG AS I LIVE. Those words are exactly why I have never told another, single, soul until this moment.
This situation is why I am so modest, can’t breastfeed in public, have issues with intimacy, feel the need to cover up, hate my own body at times, cannot trust most males, will purposefully walk on the other side of the hallway or side walk when alone, can’t talk about sex with other adults without being extremely embarrassed, have trouble watching sex or rape scenes in movies and ultimately cannot live life freely.
This is my story. This is how I am associated with #MeToo. This is why I get so angry when women are treated like second class citizens after being violated. This is also why I’m the woman that will cuss you out when you treat me any other way than what I expect. Rape, sexual assault, any type of violation in that area is NOT A JOKE.
My advice this week— Most of you reading this have someone in your family, know someone, or are even associated with someone that has been through something. I’m not asking you to have a bleeding heart but what I am asking you to do is go outside of the freaking political box and understand that there are millions of women walking around everyday feeling ashamed in their own skin.
When you pass judgment, poke fun at, or even state an erroneous opinion you are causing some of those women to NEVER seek the help they need for fear of having to tell someone that will treat them the exact same way that you are displaying through such ridiculous and crude behavior.
Women are not objects. We are warriors that bring life into the world. We should be respected as such and I will NOT STOP until we are.
—Liv
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