Do you know what I see? An entire generation of adults (children) that don’t know what love is. I see people everyday that are afraid, angry, hurt, and scarred. I see people JUST LIKE ME! The amazing part is we escaped the ultimate form of abuse and some how still live in fear. Do you know why I say ultimate? Because, often times our abuse was silent and hidden from the outside world. We were programmed to tell the world we were just fine even when we were dying inside.
Let me explain..... this generation I’m referring to doesn’t know what love is unless it involves a wooden spoon or extension cord. I’m not saying don’t discipline your children! What I’m saying is...... We don’t understand that love doesn’t equal control. We can’t grasp that LOVE DOES NOT MEAN being abused. We can’t get passed the fact that our parent(s) is/are narcissistic.
I’m not talking sexual abuse. I’m deeply sadden if that is what you experienced. However, today, I am discussing the mental and emotional abuse that comes from parents that do not know how to love any other way. While I can sympathize with the fact that our parents didn’t receive the love they needed when they were children I CANNOT fathom the fact that they used their entire being to see to it that we were born and treated the EXACT SAME WAY!!!
I understand more than most because this is not a form of study for me. This was my LIFE, every, single (excuse my language) fucking, DAY! My mind was shaped and my heart was hardened by someone that wanted to harm the world
not nurture it. This meant making me a dangerous individual. This meant turning me into a weapon, not a person.
My emotions were manipulated day in and day out by a form of control. The control consisted of making me believe that if I did not conform to every maternal notion my mother had and show her my love by obeying that I was not worthy. This need to control every single aspect of my life also made it possible for my parent to keep me hanging on for this repeated behavior well into my adult life.
Then, something happened! A dear friend of mine that had lost her mother when we were young said to me, “Olivia— how long are you going to let her do you like this? At some point enough is enough! You can’t let someone treat you this way for the rest of your life. You have never been happy and this is why!”
Y’all..... I LOST IT!!! For the first time in my 20 some years it ALL finally made sense! I had never set boundaries. I had never expected better. I had NEVER acknowledged that what I was experiencing was WRONG!!! I also thought I had no choice but to endure because the person giving the treatment was my MOTHER! Well.... you see, Mothers are people too. People with flesh, bone and emotions. They do not get a pass to hurt you just because they birthed you. They also do not get the option to continually treat you like shit just because they want.
The day my dear friend spoke up to me was the day my life changed. I began to see my life for what it was and started to heal from the trauma. Shortly after, I started to break things off with my mom. Today, we don’t speak. I know.... boo hoo! Not really though! Hear me out, please?
In order for me to heal I had to step away. Stepping away meant she no longer had control. When a narcissistic parent notices they are losing control they lash out. They purposefully try to hurt or guilt you. If that doesn’t work they then resort to threats, hatred and even violence. All of those things are a no go for me. Especially since I was pregnant with my first child when I finally had enough.
Having my own children is what finally gave me the courage to walk away. Do I like not having a mother in my life? No! It sucks! Especially when I’m sick, something exciting happens, I reach a milestone, or my kids do something wonderful! But.... the truth is I’m much better off and SOOOOOO much happier. Also, for the one person I lost (it still hurts) I gained a plethora of other people in my life that love me just for me and that will NEVER try to control me.
I didn't get to choose the hand I was dealt, but I sure as hell got to choose how I played it! My poker face is strong y’all!
—Liv
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