So picture this: you're a busy mom, going at level 1,000, E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y. The mounting need for perfection that meets you as you wake every morning starts to take it's toll. You begin to think or even "feel" that everyone in the house is expecting this perceived level of perfect as well. You may even start to get grouchy, lose sleep, and stay up at night thinking about all the "things" you weren't able to get finished.
Then, it hits you: THE MOM GUILT. You know? That sinking feeling that because your house isn't perfect, someone didn't get bathed, the vacuum didn't get ran, or maybe dinner was a drive thru instead of a five course meal.
After you obsess over that you then begin to hate yourself because the work you DID put in today (which was a lot) took up precious moments you "SHOULD" have been spending with your children. It seems like YOU CANNOT WIN. It seems like the whole world is conspiring against you. Now, in those final moments before you drift off to sleep (for a couple hours) you think "I get to do it ALL again tomorrow".
Listen, I'll be the first to admit it is not easy for me to ask for help. I also get very frustrated because as a entrepreneur mom of two I don't think I should have to. However, because I've always been the strong, have-it-together one, everyone just expects that's the way I'll remain. The truth: one day I hope I'm not. One day, I hope to be feel freedom from this.
As much truth there is in "it will be there tomorrow" I can't let it be. I have OCD. THERE! I SAID IT!!! I have high-functioning OCD and there are many days where I internalize my thoughts and feelings because I do not want to hurt the ones I love.
However, there comes a time when people in my life have to accept that OCD is not a condition that just goes away. One can suppress, medicate, meditate, Reiki, sage, the hell out of one's mind, but it ain't ever disappearing. It will be a daily battle for the rest of life that one must choose to work on.
Here's the other portion of how my OCD works-- if I ask for help then I am weak, incapable, or maybe even a "bad mom". Seriously??? The mind plays dirty tricks on you, if you let it!
I have struggled with obsessive compulsions for as long as I can remember. Luckily, mine deal with cleanliness and objects rather than people. This stems largely from the childhood I had. I had a controlling, manipulative mother who knowingly turned me into a replica of herself. As I grew up I started to realize that the destructive behavior that I indulged in as a teen and young adult was because I was literally trying to self-destruct.
I didn't want to be her. I didn't want to treat people like that. In fact, I was glad that I was told I could not have children for fear of treating them how I was treated. Against ALL odds, when I became pregnant with my son, I cried and became angry because I just knew I was going to mentally abuse him.
I am so grateful for the desire to change. I do not have a relationship with my mother because my desire to change was misconstrued as me thinking I am better than her. My desire to protect my beautiful, innocent children from this cancerous way of thinking has been viewed as me being uppity and not "knowing what family really is".
The issue here is that toxic people cannot handle it when you cannot be controlled any longer. They also cannot deal when take steps to eliminate patterns that you no longer want in your life. Most of the time that also means eliminating people.
Do I blame her for the OCD? No, because unfortunately it is a hereditary thing. What I do question is why mental health was frowned upon and never discussed in a healthy way? It was always taboo and "made up". It was a way for people to profit from imaginary illness when I was growing up. However, there were clearly some unresolved issues going on in the mind of the person trying to parent me.
In my adult life I struggle with the need to constantly clean, put objects in order from tallest to shortest, and keeping clothing and furniture in pristine condition. Now, some folks would LOVE this, but for me it frustrating and makes me upset daily. Some people don't understand so I've done a great job of keeping it hidden. To my close friends who may not know these things about me, it often is camouflaged as organization skills.
This admission brings me to my title phrase for today: When You've Got to Admit You're Out of Fuel. Friends, family, other mommas, I'm all out of fuel. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting who I am. I'm tired of defending who I am. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of running from the person I'm supposed to become. I'm learning to embrace who I am. More importantly, I'm learning to LOVE who I am.
I'm so grateful for a partner that loves me no matter how ridiculous I am. I am so in love with my beautiful children that still think I'm the best MOM in the world even when dinner is Chick-Fil-A and the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in two weeks. Hey, at least they have clean underwear! LOL I am thankful for a host of friends and loved ones that think the world of me even when I'm having one of those days that I think I suck!
Life is journey, not a race. To those that I have had to leave behind: I love you too. I'm appreciative for the lessons I needed to learn from our interaction. I am responsive to the fact that me "ghosting" you was hurtful, but I was hurting myself by sticking around.
This year has been about self-exploration. It has given me a new sense of what kind of person I want to be. I'm sorry if I was ever the toxic person, but I was growing too. I can promise this.... from this point forward, I will never go into the next day the same as I was the day before.
This week, I leave you with this thought: What if the very thing that is weighing you down is the same thing that you must release to become who you are meant to be? It will be painful, but the other side will be glorious, I promise.
--Liv
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