It all starts when you're a little girl looking through magazines, your classy aunt's closet, or even by watching commercials on television. THE OBSESSION.......
You start to ask yourself the question, "Am I enough?" It happened to me when I was about seven years old. I went through my parents' divorce thinking the whole thing was my fault and to be honest, I didn't feel loved. The daddy issues started early and the mommy issues came to follow in my young adult years.
As I went through life I adapted to living with a smile on my face and acting as though nothing was ever wrong. I was the class talker and would do just about anything to get people like me or be my friend. I sailed through elementary school with a few bullying issues, but nothing that scarred me too bad.
Then, here comes middle school. Ahhh..... yes! The adolescent years. I finally talked my mom into letting me get contact lenses and relaxing my hair. I went to school that first day in 1999 looking like a completely different person. You could say that "puberty had hit". Guess what else happened.... eating disorder.
I was starting to have flashbacks of childhood abuse. My "puberty" moment was turning me into a woman and liking boys. I was no longer my mom's little girl and that's when it felt like she turned on me. I went from feeling like she was my best friend to feeling like I was the world's worst child and that I would never be back in her good graces.
That summer I tried cigarettes (that habit didn't stick until later) and that just wasn't for me. I would sneak out, but really wasn't that kind of kid. I even dated an older boy, but still felt too young to feel comfortable having sex (so that went south). I was a "late bloomer" in every aspect except my period and having boobs! My life consisted of good grades and squeaky clean fun. However, I did find something I could finally control and it gave me LIFE!
I began starving myself at 12. I could now control how skinny I was and it was the ultimate competition. Even though my body type was meant to be voluptuous I could not appreciate that then. I would limit the amount of food I would eat to the point that I still looked healthy, but the scale would never move passed a certain point.
This was dangerous and only set me up for failure later in life. I went to my mother and in an attempt to collect information from me she pretended to be my friend so I would open up to her. The moment I told her about my issue, she threatened to take me to the hospital and have a feeding tube shoved down my throat. Needless to say, I did not share anything personal with her again.
From there I started to battle my weight issues. I went to high school shortly after and when I dated my high school crush I was terrified to eat in front of him. Whatever I had suppressed from my childhood "daddy issues" was making me act out by refusing to eat. We spent a lot of time together so I spent even more time not eating.
Then, tenth grade came..... I had to have a major surgery and I was on medications for reproductive issues ALREADY! I started to gain weight in my midsection and it looked like I was pregnant. I was bullied almost every day by a group of girls. Funny thing is, now they all have multiple children by multiple men and don't seem very positive. Karma sucks doesn't it? I mean no harm, but it does feel alright to see karmic retribution happen. You just never know how you're life is going to turn out.
Fast forward to college..... Instead of the freshman 15 I gained the COLLEGE 63. I kept it and carried it around for SEVEN years! It became my safeguard. It's crazy how that happens huh? The very thing you are the most afraid of becomes the thing that keeps you from getting hurt (or so you think). I was slowly killing myself with high fat, high cholesterol foods and alcohol. Instead of starving myself I was now binge eating & drinking every chance I got.
In some weird, twisted way I was trying to shield myself from anymore pain. Many things happened from 2000-2014 with my family that I can hopefully share with you at some point. I was a mess and I was walking around as a rotting corpse, but my heart was still beating.
It wasn't until 2013 that I found a healthy relationship with food and started to heal myself. I had to love myself even when no one else would. After failed relationships, rejection from family, a complete identity crisis (regarding religion) and feeling like I was completely alone I began to piece myself back together and remember just how strong I am.
My weight -OR- Am I enough? has always been in play since I was young enough to care. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have to consciously choose to keep that shit in check. I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT PLACE. It was dark, cold, and unfriendly. It made me believe that I needed it when all I really needed was to believe in myself.
If you are struggling with any issues surrounding eating disorders, self image, or self love never hesitate to reach out to me. I may not be a "counselor", but I am well equipped to listen to your story and share mine. You are not alone.
--Liv
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