This week's blog will not be my average "words of wisdom". It will contain wisdom and knowledge, but it will encompass a topic that is often overlooked, hidden, or made invalid. This is not your feminist, man-bashing, "hater" filled post either. I'm here to talk about the changes that occur when we as women experience this hurtful, malignant, act.
Before you start with the "women can do it too" mess please understand that is not what I'm discussing today. This post probably is not for you because I'm not picking a side in a debate. I am merely shedding light on personal experience. The beauty about a blog is it's MY opinion and my experience; much like a book. If you don't agree..... keep scrolling. If you're looking to find the uplifting message under the ruins of such a horrible topic: BINGO, you're in the right place.
The other day I noticed something on social media that truly hurt me deep down to my core, even years after the trauma. I saw a grown woman saying that "all men lie and cheat and that she's all good on her own". (paraphrasing) The only thing that's downright disgusting about this is that she was directly involved in cheating with my significant other a few years before. It baffled me because it was as if what she did and the part she played didn't matter because it's only the men that are wrong.
Now, I know it is easy to blame the woman in a situation like this, but there are two people involved. There are always two sides to the story and there are always three sets of emotions at play: the cheater, the other woman, and the cheated on. I've always been a fan of dealing with your relationship situations privately and making sure you are working on home before ever stepping to someone outside your relationship. However, when people behave disgustingly sometimes its difficult to keep that rule.
-AND- before you think I'm bougee and that I think I'm better than the next..... YES I HAVE CHEATED before. This is exactly why I despise it so much. I know what it is like to personally be responsible for someone's complete and utter feeling of betrayal. This DOES NOT feel good and if you actually are trying to change your ways it will follow you for your entire life and MAKE you change who you are.
So, that brings me to my next point! What does cheating do?
Well...... for me it created feelings of insecurity even though I didn't have any originally. It made me question every thing I thought about myself: What's wrong with me? Why would someone do this to me? What did I do wrong? Is my whole relationship a lie? Does he really love me? Am I ugly? What's wrong with my body? Is he not attracted to me? Why is she old? Why is she ugly? Why is she a downgrade?
Then, here comes the anger, oh the uncontrollable anger. After that, comes the depression.... the inconsolable crying yourself to sleep, worrying, inability to eat, loss of peace, hating him, hating yourself, confusion...... the list goes on and on.
Next, you get to this plateau where you begin to ignore all of those feelings because you need to get back to your life. As you go through the day-to-day you hold in all emotion regarding the issue only to watch yourself explode every couple of months from the damage that has already gotten a hold of your heart. You become cold, bitter, resentful, and indifferent. This can even happen if you have made a point to forgive.
It seems as though the fog will never leave you. You try to get over it, but the wound (even if closed with staples) still oozes and opens every so often. You could be the happiest woman on earth and still remember from time to time what happened. You see, TRUST, once broken, is nearly impossible to repair. There will always be a crack. It's like a coffee mug that has been dropped and broken, but the pieces are large enough to glue back together. While liquid can still be held in the mug the mug will never be the same.
Before some of you sit upon your high horse and judge let me say this: don't you dare blame the scorned for the choices of the other party. Don't you even begin to name call, shame or point the finger because of the choices she made there after. Until this has been done to you, YOU have no clue what it feels like or what kind of storm it creates!
In a world where cheating is the norm and there are a million different ways to do it I can completely understand why it happens. However, I do not condone it. I am "old school". I believe in love. I see the good in people even when the rest of the world is hollering they are a scoundrel!! Am I dumb? By no means. I just seek the positive, light and understanding. I have come to the conclusion that some people are simply evil and that doesn't have anything to do with me.
My happiness is NOT dependent upon the actions of another despite how difficult something is for me to accept. Sadly, it took this disastrous situation to open my eyes to the fact that the way I move through this life should not be controlled by someone else. I have daddy issues and I've chosen the wrong men, but learning from those mistakes is what has given me insight.
There are many days I look at my life and what I have gone through and I just pray that my story can help someone else get through the hard times. Infidelity and lies are detrimental to meaningful relationships and until our society can get back to basics and STOP being a one-stop-shop for instant gratification we are going to continue to raise generations of children that do not respect the boundaries of others.
The amount of women that are comfortable being "on the side" makes me so incredibly sad. You can be mixed up in a bad situation and still keep your morals. However, when you knowingly hurt another woman with your behavior you are just as negative and deceitful as the man you claim is the liar and cheater. You do not get a pass when you continually do something wrong and know what you are doing.
In my own situation I also found most of the people that try to justify this behavior have raised children to be the same way, creating generational curses and karmic retribution to be passed down to their offspring instead of being stuck to them. You set the tone of how your children will treat their spouses. We must all be careful what we sow...... it will show up again somewhere. Just remember that.
If you learn anything from my humiliation let it be that you are more than what has happened to you. Remember, you have the power to change any and everything in your life. There is no situation that can keep you bound and there is no person that has true control over you. Keep your head up and if you have experienced what I have, love yourself anyway.
--Liv
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