Some people think that after you miraculously have children after struggling for years that you are somehow ungrateful when you choose to shut your baby maker down. Let me start by saying that this type of thinking is ridiculous. We all have our own lives to live—meaning we ALL have our own choices to make. Those choices should always be what’s best for YOU!
I’m going to paint the picture for you: I struggled with endometriosis, PCOS symptoms, auto-immune issues, as well as my fair share of anxiety and depression because of everything I was going through. Finally, after seven years of medications, being sick, and feeling down right horrible everyday of my life I received “the news”. I heard the words I had been running from for nearly a decade, “You most likely will not be able to have your own children”.
After mulling it over and becoming numb to the words it was almost like a relief. I no longer had to fight with it, or wrestle with it. I could breathe for the first time in almost ten years. The sadness was present but the freedom oddly enough was exhilarating. I had finally come to terms with something that had haunted me for so long and I could close that chapter of my life and move on.
So.... we shall fast forward to July 15, 2014. I will never forget that day! It’s my childhood best friend’s birthday and the day that every single thing I thought to be true was no longer valid. I found out I was pregnant with my son. I could NOT believe my eyes as I stared at the three pregnancy tests laying on the counter.
So many fears rushed through my brain and I immediately thought the worst. With the exception of being put on bed rest the last two weeks we had a smooth and easy pregnancy.
However, my symptoms returned after he was born and my doctor actually politely mentioned that getting pregnant again was probably not a good idea. After a 55 pound weight gain, high blood pressure, and being bed ridden my body had taken the beating instead of my uterus.
We went on with life and for three years we were a small little family and enjoyed raising our son. Then, one winter day in early January 2018 I noticed that something just wasn’t quite right. Guess what??? I was pregnant with our daughter. I had freshly lost 28 pounds, felt great, was in the best shape I had been in for a while and everything seemed great!
Then, week seven came...... I started to hemorrhage. I started bleeding earlier that week, but it wasn’t a lot so we didn’t think anything of it. After about a week of that I called my midwife and they requested that I come in to be checked. I was released to go home with no issues. We stopped to get something to eat before heading home because everyone was stressed and hungry.
As we ordered our food I excused myself to the restroom. I sat down to find, what seemed like, a massive amount blood covering my pants, underwear, legs,etc. I calmly went out to the dining hall and asked to use my significant other’s phone because mine was dead. He knew something was terribly wrong from the look on my face.
I called the midwife back and she told me to go directly to the ER and to tell them that I may be miscarrying. I was so distraught. I could barely eat and became sick to my stomach. After hours in the ER we found out that our daughter was going to be okay. I, on the other hand, was told to pretty much stop doing anything.
Shortly after this incident and several ultrasounds later we were having a very uncomfortable conversation about life insurance and what we would do in the event that we had to choose between our daughter’s life or mine. This is where everything changed. Most think it all changed when I was told I couldn’t have kids or when we found out I was pregnant the first time. NO....... it was this moment. It was as if time was going in slow motion and that is when I chose.
I chose to be happy with our two blessings. I chose not to push the buttons of life. I chose to live my life. I chose to be a mom, enjoy my children, be here to raise them, run my businesses, explore the world, give them my all, and to NEVER have to talk about choosing between my life or a child’s AGAIN!
You see, I didn’t choose permanent sterilization by way of tubal ligation because I’m selfish. I chose it for quite the opposite reason. When I was 29 I was offered a full hysterectomy because of what I had gone through prior to pregnancy. I declined because I was so young. So, when it came time to choose a birth control method this time, I knew that tubal ligation was the right choice.
I could continue on with my life as normal, but not put myself in a position where my life could end because of a complication. The truth is, every time I got pregnant I was putting my life at risk. The scar tissue on my uterus would stretch with each pregnancy and the hemorrhage was my body’s way of saying “I’ve had all I can take”. Neither me nor my daughter lost our lives this time and that’s exactly how I wanted to keep it. We were blessed with two healthy, beautiful children and I want to be their mom and live for as long as I possibly can.
So, the choice I made was certainly not selfish. It was honorable and I will proudly stand by it for the rest of my long, healthy, life.
—Liv
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