Here it comes...... that holly, jolly, season where everyone is smiling and greeting! That short period of time where everyone seems to be nice, even when they usually aren’t the other ten months of the year. I know, you’re already thinking this is going to be some negative, “bah humbug” type of situation. Quite the opposite!
I used to be one of those people that dreaded this time of year. Every single year since 1993, around September 30th I would start to get anxious. As I started to observe families doing activities together and noticed my friends getting excited I just wanted to crawl under my covers until January.
Since early childhood the holidays had been something that were not pleasant for me. At age seven my household was already split and spending time with family was segregated, at best. My family unit had been broken by divorce. I didn’t even know my mother’s side of the family due to racism and I only saw my dad’s side on holidays due to an overbearing mother.
As I get older, I would literally pick fights with my mom because I simply did not want to deal with the holiday season. I didn’t want to decorate, cook, laugh, or anything merry! Happiness and cheer just were not in my vocabulary. Plus, having to open old wounds every year around the holidays made the time period rigid.
Let’s fast forward to present day! Something changed and it wasn’t my family structure. It also wasn’t the obvious “I had a kid” reason either. I did have a child and he brought my family closer than ever, but that wasn’t the reason I changed. The holiday season because something special for me because of the man I had children with.
When I met him I encountered something amazing, yet scary. I had this demeanor about family and closeness that was negative. I wanted nothing to do with large families. I was used to being a loner and quite enjoyed it. When the holidays came I would saunter into my little abode and ride it out until they were over. In fact, there would be no thanksgiving meal OR a Christmas tree.
However, when I met the love of my life I promptly went from being a loner to jumping head first into a huge family! My first child was grandchild number 18 if I’m not mistaken!!! This was complete and utter culture shock for me. After the first couple of years I then began to change my way of thinking.
The Christmas tree decorating became a tradition for us. A HUGE dinner became the norm and I miss it if we don’t have it. My family then became a part of the action! We all eat dinner together, laugh, and love. You see, I was not afraid of the holidays. It wasn’t the gift giving, shopping, big dinners, or family togetherness that was the problem before. It was my fear of actually having those things in my life that was the issue.
Isn’t it crazy how the very thing that we long for is exactly what scares the hell out of us? I really think it would be boring if it wasn’t like this though. How can we become who we are supposed to be if gaining what we truly desire is easy?
It has taken me nearly five years to become comfortable with a large family and lots of “togetherness”, but I have grown to enjoy the company of others. Christmas may be my favorite holiday other than Halloween!
I was given the opportunity to see the holiday season as a time of love and giving instead of associating it with loneliness and anger. It’s like my children have given me all the things that I didn’t receive as a child. Everyday isn’t perfect, but relationships have been restored, love has strengthened my heart, and gratitude has renewed my mind.
This year I have two little ones to share the season of joy with! My heart could not be more full. Saying thank you to the universe for bringing us together is not enough. I have received children and family, but most importantly, my “child-like” wonder was restored. I have been shown that it is okay to believe in love and see it in all spaces in my life.
—Liv
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